a scoop of ice cream is magic

HARD

Personal Feelings Sunday, June 29, 2014

Hello, i'm feeling i'm so old to start writing again in here. My blog's feeling so dusty. lol.
I don't know what i should post. So here i am, blabbing again.

First, I left or 'forgot' (but not forget) because of some reasons. I didnt realize that i kinda push my self away from blogging. It's not because i dont want to write. It's just last year was my hardest year in my life. That was happy in the beginning. Everything was okay. Was. And then thunder stroke right after my head. Last year been my busiest year. Well, i dont know how to measure 'busy' :p

Last assignments, Trying to graduate in 3.5 years of college, Holidays.

All of those things, i enjoyed. Yes. Even that f*ckin assignments, i enjoyed. Weirdo.

Problems come and get me everywhere. Yes with S. I dont doubt S. Yes, Plural. PROBLEMS follow me everywhere. Just like voldemort after Harry Potter. Or Valentine after Jace & Clary. (oops sorry, i'm so fiction).

When all problems hit me, my dad's passed away. Ten days right after my birthday. My birthday was in Monday. My dad's sick on Sunday. My planned a dinner in that day but i dont know why it got pushed sooner. So i had my birthday dinner 2 days earlier from my birthday.

That was the hardest part. Papa.

I told you, my life's never been that complicated.

I might be a super funny or happy girl or whatever it is outside, but inside, trust me, you'll never know.

If i could rewind it, i'll hug him. and took so many pictures together because i realized i dont have pictures together with my dad. The two of us. All of my life, i only have 5-10 pics together.

i miss. you.

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Hidup Itu Lucu, Yah?

Day Saturday, September 21, 2013

Hidup itu sangat lucu, bukan?

Hidup itu kadang kadang lucu sekali. Tapi ketika hal sangat lucu tersebut terjadi, satu hal yang tidak dapat kulakukan adalah menertawainya.

Aku selalu mempertanyakan alasan aku harus bertemu denganmu.

Alasanku harus memperjuangkanmu.

Alasanku harus memprioritaskanmu.

Alasanku menghabiskan waktu waktu ke belakang bersamamu.

Alasanku bertindak bodoh di depanmu.

Alasanku terlalu bodoh.

Alasanku berada di sisimu setiap kali kupikir kamu membutuhkanku sebanyak aku membutuhkanmu.

Setelah aku mempertanyakan alasan alasan tersebut, yang kudapatkan hanyalah sebuah titik. Titik dimana aku tidak tahu apa jawabannya. Titik dimana aku hanya terlalu lelah terus menerus mempertanyakannya. Apakah semua orang seperti itu? Buat apa berbuat baik jika yang kamu ingat hanya sikap burukku. Atau hanya bagimu, lebih banyak sikap burukku di bandingkan yang baiknya. Aku tidak tahu. Aku tidak pernah menanyakannya kepadamu. Aku tidak berniat menanyakannya kepadamu. Aku bahkan tidak berniat menanyakan hal apapun lagi kepadamu. Aku lelah. Hidup ini lucu. Saking lucunya, aku tidak tahu dimana letak lucunya.

Kamu mungkin juga suka yang lucu lucu, yang dibodohin juga tetap iya iya aja. Aku. Atau aku bahkan tidak termasuk.

Kalau reinkarnasi benar adanya, apakah aku dulu hidup sebagai pembunuh bayaran di zaman dinasti entah-apa-namanya-itu? Karena sekarang aku sedang dibunuh pelan pelan lewat perasaan yang menurutku lebih sakit dari tombak di zaman perang. Setidaknya, tombak itu membunuh lebih cepat, bukan?

450 days or more. I really wished it was real.

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I thought "Life is like a roller coaster" happened only in a movie, but no.

Personal Feelings Friday, September 20, 2013

Hello blogsbum. Gue yang hilang dari peredaran per-blog-an mulai terbiasa menuangkan cerita sehari-hari di scrap book. Alasannya lebih kepada takut menyinggung perasaan berbagai pihak.

Like my post title, I thought "Life is like a roller coaster" happened only in a movie, but no.

I thought my life couldnt be like thaaaaat roller coaster. Goes up too fast and goes down faster. It's so not gonna happen to me. But, emagod. It just happened to me. I repeat. IT. JUST. HAPPENED. TO. ME.

My life in almost two years behind was so happy yet struggle. I mean, i had my last year college which is you know that we need to focus so we could graduate faster. And during that time, lucky me, i had someone hold on to me and i could hold on to. But that is history. Everything that goes in my mind definitely wrong. I can't explain here. I can't hurt anybody.

In other words, it's like i hurt my legs but i pretend i was okay by using stocking or tights. I just need people around me help me go through this. If you dont know me that well, you couldnt know that it's hurt. But if you know me that well, just dont hurt me in the same place, dont hurt the legs i covered by stocking or tights. Just don't. Cause if it's happened, i am afraid that i will try get away. run away. far away. by myself. alone.

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